My life was completely out of control and all I could do was run.Just like always. I’d run, that’s what I do best. I’d spent years, too many to count, in the grips of my addiction .I drank, used cocaine, meth, pills, pot, whatever was available and affordable, and always to excess that way I’d feel so physically sick for days after the drugs were gone that I could run some more.You can’t deal with life when you’re physically sick, right?

I never knew, never thought, that Jesus was waiting for me to stop running.But He was waiting.And somehow, when He saw how tired I was; when He saw that my self destruction was nearly complete; He stepped into my life.
This wasn’t an easy thing and I resisted at first. I cried every day for weeks. I didn’t know how to live or survive without drugs and alcohol. I didn’t know that Jesus was there to help me.

As the days and weeks passed by I accepted and embraced my new way of life. I stopped running and began the long journey of rebuilding that which I alone had destroyed. I attended different Churches and I tried to understand why I survived a 30 year addiction when so many others had not.
But soon I found reasons…excuses, to yet again stray from God. I worked and stayed sober for years still not knowing all that Jesus’ death represented all that was so freely offered if I would just ask and accept.Call me stubborn, call me stupid, but I just didn’t get it.

And so, slowly but surely, my life spiraled out of control again.Only this time no drugs or alcohol were involved. I simply had no idea how to live with what I had done, who I’d hurt, who I was, then and now.

So I tried to run away inside myself. I no longer wanted to live with all the pain. I couldn’t bear it and I truly believed I was alone in this world. I had no idea how to ask for help. I believed I was so alone, so unloved that I was beyond redemption. Those were some of the darkest days of my life. I wanted to die.The guilt, pain and anguish were crushing me.Once again, Jesus saw my condition and I think He saw something else, too. I think He saw an opening in the walls I had built around myself in myself imposed prison.He saw a chip in my mortar.

Somehow, Jesus put His hand into my bruised heart and fevered mind.He gave me the freedom to feel His Love, His Mercy and His Grace.He gave me the ability to ask for help.

It took complete desperation for me to allow that opening. I was so afraid.How could I ever be forgiven?I cried out to Him not knowing or understanding how He could possibly forgive me.But, He has.How miraculous is that? Jesus’ pain, suffering, death and resurrection were for our sins, including mine.With this incomprehensible forgiveness I truly began the slow process of healing.

It has been more than 20 months since my breakdown and less than 20 months since I was “Born Again.”My faith has faltered and withered away at times. I barely had that tiny mustard seed of faith.But Jesus remained steadfast, He never walked away, never turned His back.He never gave up on me and He never will!

I still struggle today, but for the most part my struggles are external. I no longer doubt myself and my existence.And when things don’t quite go my way I still get angry, frustrated, and disappointed, even to the point of despair. Only now, I know that I can let out my anger and despair to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.And when I am through with the yelling and crying and feeling sorry for myself, I find peace.That peace that comes from truly believing that no matter what happens, how good or bad it may seem, my life, my future, and my heart and soul belong to God.He is in control, not me. I just need to keep that in mind, keep the faith, keep praying and keep believing with all my heart that I am loved, I am worthy and I am God’s child.

How utterly incredible!

©2008 Amy Wolfgang.